Oh health problems, you're so silly. We'll see what the catscan tells me when I go in on monday....There's been a shooting pain in the left side of my ribs lately, and my doctor told me I really should go get a catscan. I wouldn't be surprised if another disease was diagnosed my way, but let's hope for the best and find out if it's just something minor :)

Perspective

You know what I need? A good reality check on changing my perspective. I shouldn't worry about anyone else these days. I can do kind things for others, and I can be genuinely concerned for others, BUT what I need most in my life right now is to focus on being the best possible me there ever has been. I shouldn't worry about if someone I could have a potential with could fall for one of my friends, or what people think about me. My goal for the next week is to do nothing but build people up. I want to be 100% kind for the next week, and then I will make another goal the next week that will build off of this one. I am letting myself be happy again. I am not stuck in this rut anymore!

Friends & Family

In this world I've come to realize honestly how to tell the people I will mesh well with as apposed to the people I do not mesh well with, and usually it is the same type of person. Surprisingly there are a lot of people out there that fit the description perfectly, but honestly I do not know why this is the way that it usually ends up being. Usually I get along with people that truly accept people for who they are and can express how they are feeling, but with maturity and respect for the other person. I would say that is a pretty easy list to check yourself off of haha. Lately I have come to realize I just really don't mesh well with girls. I mesh awesome with my sisters, and with all my guy friends, with all my extended family, and I have a handful of friends of girls that I really am truly friends with. I was talking with my cousin Diana last night, and we were talking about this subject exactly and we clicked so well with it because someone finally understood what in the world I was talking about! Girls that know how to think like a woman, have class like a woman, have strong emotions, but can control them like a guy, and know how to work like a man as well. When it comes to boys (this is what I love most about boys) they don't hold their emotions inside, they put them all out on the table, fight it out and then they are done! haha I would love that if that's how all girls were, but unfortunately, especially at college, i discovered that is NOT how girls are at all. I'm not sure I can ever handle living with a mass of girls again :/ I can handle my sisters, but for some reason girls just don't get along with my boy way of handling my emotions (I'm a tad blunt). I don't like gossip, or drama, and I think it would strongly benefit every girl if they were to learn how to sensitively approach an irritating situation with class and kind words. It would solve a whole lot of problems. At this point I am not very sure as to what girls are actually my friends and what girls are not haha. I'm sure glad I've got my guy friends and my family though. It keeps me sane.

Eminem, you just described exactly how I feel.

Lately I've been trying to pull apart my life and reanalyze why things are happening and more specifically why they are happening to me. Recently I had my heart broken by a boy I was in a relationship for the past year and a half. I've been degraded by this boy for the past few months now, but last night was the limit. I have never felt so belittled by a person in my entire life. I was on my way over to talk to him with great intentions (I honestly just wanted to be friends, that's it, and his life is a total mess right now so I was genuinely concerned) when he refused to come out of his house, so feeling embarrassed and broken I sped off and on my way home, I spotted the church, I pulled into the parking lot and cried for a few minutes feeling lost and broken, and then I prayed. I prayed so hard and so passionately. I felt so close to my Heavenly Father. After letting a good scream out after my prayer, relieving tension building up in my heart, I sat in the silence thinking about how badly he made me hurt, and how unattractive he has become to me. It's incredible how someones personality can literally alter how attracted you are to them. Watching the change in my friends in Alpine has really taken a tole on me. Two of my really good guy friends have changed as well, but not for the worse, for the better. I came back and they've grown into men. I never thought something could happen so quickly, but oddly enough I found myself even becoming attracted to one of them because of the enormous change in perspective on life. I know I've changed as well, and although I've been degraded for changing, I know I have changed for the better. I've grown into a young woman that knows what she wants, and I know who I am. I am living a happy life, it gets better every single day, and I embrace every moment of it. I'm exactly who I want to be, and no one can change that. I am constantly growing and learning from the trials life throws my way, and I wouldn't have it any different.  Life really is a beautiful mess, and I love it so much!




P.S. I'm better off without you....screw that pal. <3

And now you've won.

Favorite Flower

I wish grocery stores had these haha. I would buy them all the time! I really love all kinds of lilies, but lately I've really loved white and yellow tiger lilies. They're gorgeous. I love the smell because after my dad died people sent tremendous amounts of flowers to our house. Most of the flowers were lilies and our house smelled like lilies for at least a month. Now the smell of lilies is one of my favorites.

This song is so amazing. The music video is okay, but it's better without.

Man I'm so sick of guys.

Cooking?...Kind of?

So last night Lauren and I went about making a big fancy meal for this boy we make meals for. We usually make it for a few of them, but we figured the other few wouldn't appreciate nearly as much as this one so we just made the meal for him. We had a pretty good start with the French onion soup and we were making Cafe Rio pulled pork and had to make enchilada sauce so we put some oil on the stove to cook, and we forgot about it haha...predictable. So pretty much it smoked out the entire apartment. Such a little thing ended up setting off the fire alarm in the entire apartment complex and everyone evacuated. Everyone figured out it was our apartment, and anyone who didn't hate us before hates us now (so pretty much our apartment is the loudest in our little area, and people yell at us all the time, so we've got a few haters). Anyway so the Fire Department shows up and of course I feel like a total idiot. They walk into our apartment and I try to make a few light hearted jokes to ease the awkward embarrassed feeling I have and of course it fails and the firemen only think I'm more of an idiot haha, but yeah, that's what last night consisted of, but other than that we started to finish cooking and the meal turned out pretty well. Dessert was the best, we made Apple Pie in an Apple and it was incredible. :)

Stuck at the airport, my mind is racing and I don't know what to think of it. I thought I was so strong. These things just take time. My mother always tells me the next one will be that much better. I just need to remember how much better I deserve than this. I deserve to be treated like a queen, and there was a lot lacking in that area. I deserve so much more.

My day started off all right, I slept in and when I woke up the first thing I thought was, I slept in waaaayyyy too long today. :/ If anyone really knows me, I am very concerned with my health and sleeping more than 9 hours every night is bad for you. It's weird keeping track of the first thoughts you have every morning. I decided against showering today and attempted to crimp my hair, turn out suckish, so i took on the fishtail braid, and guessing it'd turn out suckish, it turned out super sexy. That threw my day into an awesome start haha. Ontop of my sexy hairdo for the day, I went to lunch with my mother at Simply Sushi. I love that place. I've loved it ever since Robbie (my new step dad) showed it to our family. I'm loving the new additions to my family by the way. I have such a strong appreciation for my family and all that they do for me. It's like living with a pack of my best friends. There's alway something entertaining to talk about with us, especially my new step sister Ashley. She loves to talk about boys with me, and I love talking about boys with her. We have a tradition to prank boys that break our hearts. It's been sort of a bonding experience. I love her so much! Anyway! So after lunch we went rock climbing. OH WAIT, before I forget, before lunch we went and test drove my hopefully, soon to be new car. The Fiat 500, not the Abarth version, because it's only been presented in California, but it comes to us in hopefully February (basically this Fiat is The Sex of all cars, it's like putting turbo on the car the size of a shoe!). I know I just got my Jeep, but the reason I'm selling it is because of the awful gas mileage :/ Oh well, The Fiat always puts me in a great mood, and I needed a pick me up this morning, so my mother, so tenderly said yes to my pleads. After my mom and I laughing together and obsessing over how cute the interior of the car is together we went to lunch and went climbing at this indoor climbing place we religiously go to. It's called Momentum, and it makes me feel like a million bucks. The men in that place, just let me tell you, they are babes! And the way climbing those walls makes you feel, is indescribable. It feels so awesome when your legs are shaking and about to give out and you touch the top of the wall, and let me tell you, these walls are not small. I come out of that place feeling unstoppable every time. Lately I've been more self reliant. I've been happy with who I am, and not having to rely on someone else to give me part of my happiness. I'm a proud independent woman who loves who she is. I don't need no man! ;) Maybe in time...whatever. I've been watching very closely to the way men treat their wives lately. It's adorable. Today was overall just a really great day. I try to make everyday some sort of incredible. I mean, not just the big things that happened. It's all about the little things with me. Some of the songs that came on the radio were just absolutely heart wrenching, some of them made me so happy, but none of them made me sad for myself. I guess I'm just hyper sensitive to emotions other people put forward. I heard the song I posted at the top on the radio today and I could feel the pain in his voice. Maybe it's just me being absolutely ridiculous, but I love being able to feel the emotions being put forth that other people so precisely put forth. My life gets better and better every day.

I can't wait for the day when a boy looks at me this way. Every girl deserves a boy who will look at her this way, and my day will come soon enough. I want my husband to feel so lucky to have me, like he's marrying his best possible option. I want to marry my best friend. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be fun wife that plans trips to exciting places where we can have adventures together. I want to have a husband that embraces me at my worst and at my best. On the days when my disease get the best of me I want him to take care of me as if this was his last day with me. I want him to love me knowing that we have eternity together and that we are best friends. I want to face everyday with him and whatever challenges may lie ahead, knowing that he will always be by my side to at least tell me he loves me. I want to work through the hard times, and if we ever do live a leisurely life I want to have the heart of a humbled couple. I want to raise our children influencing them for the better. I want to have inside jokes, and make traditions. I want someone who can keep me on my toes just as much as I can keep him on his toes. I want someone who will protect me and my family. I want someone who knows me better than myself, but doesn't know what I'll do next. I want someone who vents to me and tells me all his problems so we can deal with them together. I want to know him frontwards and backwards, loving every talents and embracing every flaw. I want someone who accepts me fully, every bad habit and every unique gift. I want someone with quirks that compliment mine. I want someone with a unique sense of humor, who knows how to make me laugh. My mom says "Someday you'll find a boy you love so much he'll make your teeth sweat." I've learned to ask myself, "Does he make my teeth sweat?" And if he doesn't there's no question about it. I have a few things to do with my life before I get married, and the Lord will bring that man into my life when we are both married, but I can always remind myself what I deserve before that time comes. I love my life and every stage in it. 

The day before Thanksgiving I was feeling slightly down. I needed something to get my mind off of things. I remembered my mom had asked the photographer that did her wedding a couple months before if she needed an assistant or anything and she said yes! So I called her finally, after SOO much procrastination. I wasn't really expecting to get much out of the phone call, but it turns out she really didn't want an assistant because she is so poorly paid haha so she offered me something even better. She asked me if I wanted to intern with her. So pretty much she will teach me anything at all I want to know about photography. Anything from exposure settings, to getting models together to shoot with them to do some sort of high fashion shoot, which is kind of what I want to do potentially. She told me the best thing I should do is stop going to college and just intern my butt off with really great photographers, especially ones in New York! Sooooo haha I might be spending some time very soon in New York interning. Ideally, I'd love to go across seas and intern over in Greece, or Paris, but we will see what happens. I'm so stoked for this. I don't know if you guys understand how amazing this opportunity is. I'm so excited to get started with this. I start interning in December when I get back from college, WHICH ENDS IN TWO WEEKS!! YEAH BABY! But after school ends my next goal is to meet a couple guys :) I've got my eye on a few, so we'll see. So much potential for the future!

Right now, I feel like He is the only thing that can help me.

Watch This Video. This man has so much passion. I want to learn to form words this well into inspiring flawless sentences.

This is glorious

Yummy Yum Yum

SEXY! Joined to the list of my dreams :)

Realization

Last night i realized i had so much more mental strength than i thought i was even capable of. That wasn't me. That was something much strong. A combination of the trials I've had in my life, my dear mother, my dear father, and the Savior, and God. That's what it was. Only a small portion of that strength was me. I'm so lucky to have these people in my life

Phobias

I'll give you at least ten of mine.

#1.  Atychiphobia - Fear of failure

#2.  Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's, dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues

#3. Chiclephobia- Fear of chewing gum. (Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!)

#4. Xenophobe- Fear of the unknown or unfamiliar

#5. Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or trying to

#6. Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors

#7. Katsaridaphobia- Fear of cockroaches

#8. Lygophobia- Fear of darkness

#9. Maniaphobia - Fear of going insane

#10. Oneirophobia - Fear of sleep dreams or going to bed due to nightmares

:(

Someone take the nightmares away :(

Ohio

I'll always be an Ohio girl. This is the place i long to be <3 I love this place.

My Dreams

Lately i've felt like i haven't been pushing myself enough to do the things i truly love, or that i'm too scared i am not good enough or it's too late to chase my dreams. Lately i've really really wanted to be a Ballerina. I know it sounds super cliche and like "every little girl's dream" but it's something i really want. I desperately want to do Pointe Ballet. I'm gonna look into it. I used to do it when i lived in Ohio but then we moved and i stopped doing it. I'm gonna look into private ballet lessons. I know i have a lot of fight in me and a butt-load of passion for the things i love. I know i can push myself to the point of no return to get the things i love. I'm gonna do it. This is what i want. I need some way to express myself besides photography and art. I need a physical aspect that i love that keeps me in shape and feeling great about myself everyday even if my body is too sore to function. I need that passion and fight running again. It's such a beautiful way to live.

Familyness

Alyssa and Weston got here yesterday and so we took him out on the trampoline and brandon followed us along with my mother and i swiped out my camera and got a couple shots i kinda like :)

Today was incredible. I spent most of my day out in the sun. There are small things that could have made it better, but the sun was shining for the first time really, since November. I spent a good 4 hours at least out in the sun doing childish things like blowing bubbles and drawing with sidewalk chalk and taking pictures of the things around me. It was the best i've felt in a while. I felt like myself and like nothing could hold me back. I want that feeling every day. Since i've made the decision to actually let myself be happy i've come to my senses and have been able to choose happiness and reality at the same time. Not being overly happy and not letting myself get super sad either. It's a nice balance for me. I really do love my life

I Love This

Hold My Heart-Tenth Avenue North


How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart

THIS is what i'm gonna do before college. yummy. Let's hop to it. Bring on the adrenaline

Well, at least i've still got my family, my music, my spontaneous attitude (slowly coming back), and a few very good friends. That's really all i need right?

Jeeze, this whole thing is so emotionally drowning. One of these days i'm gonna pass out and realize i've probably gotta start sleeping and eating. But i seriously just can't sleep and it makes me feel so sick to eat. I need to get my mind off of things and move forward with my life

I woke up smiling this morning :)I was staring out the window cuz i slept on the couch in the living room and the sun is shining and the sky is clear and there was this bird that flew up next to the window that made me feel good for some reason. i get to drive up to Murray by myself this morning with my music. PERFECT opportunity to enjoy my own company and think and enjoy the sunshine. It's always the little things for me that add up and help me choose happiness over sadness. Moving on with my life, that's the direction i'm going in. Things are changing, and i've decided to too, for the better.

I think today i realized how great of friends i have, but i'm no one's really best friend. I think a lot of this is due to the fact i don't live in Ohio anymore, and that i've never fully accepted living in Utah so i dont let myself get as attached to people here as i did in Ohio....Disappointing

Snowboarding today was incredible. Not only because i really enjoyed being up on the mountain, in fact the weather up there actually sucked a lot haha. Mostly, probably, because i spent time with my sister Britteny who i haven't really been spending time with lately or haven't appreciated time with. And now it all came back. I re-realized how much i love all my family and how funny she is and fun to be around. :) One simple thing that made my whole day

Talents

soooo my mother and i went to lunch today and i was kind of in a funk i guess you could call it and we were talking about highschool and how things are going to start to change with my friends and about college and i realized a lot today. I need to quit being stubborn, and i am fairly good at accepting people's advice but only when they have a solution. It's good to get criticism but only when the person has a solution along with that critical thought. and today my mother didn't so i was getting pretty frustrated but we got off that topic and we started talking about talents and all the talents i wished i had. I don't have any incredible blow you out of the water physical talents. Art is the closest thing i've got because i gave up on all the talents i wished i had. i desperately wish i could still dance. Ballet to be exact. I always had this wish to have been a ballerina....i still want to be one, but that dream is sort of down the toilet. So she started pointing out all the unseen talents that i have that apparently lots of older women still haven't mentally accomplished and it made me feel like a better person, i just sometimes wish i had one of those seen talents that everyone adores. For some reason people seem to like those talents better than the ones that will be judged in the end....and i want one :/....dang

Lately i've been doing a lot of "soul searching" i guess you could call it and I've really come to terms with myself. I actually enjoy the person that i am. it's nice to be your own best friend and to be able to enjoy your own company. Not in any sort of vain way because everyone has their insecurities but in a sense of, i'm physically alone right now and i'm enjoying this. And through my life i've noticed i find a lot of unusual things to be gorgeous and interesting. I notice the beauty in things that appear pretty..ugly..i guess. I see through my own eyes so i dont know what would be assumed to be ugly. ya know? things like, big eye brows and pale skin or albino people. Things like interestingly proportioned faces and gauged ears. I do have gauged ears for those of you that dont know. And i dont have them because it's a trend or because i want to be a part of a certain group. I have these gauges because i think they're beautiful. That's why. And i have a thing with noses....most noses are ugly to me. and if the nose is ugly the whole face is ugly. :/ unfortunately. It's just one of those irritations i have. Anyway, just a thought or two i guess.

Today

Today i realized how badly i truly want to live here. And how fun lipstick is when its not overdone

inspirational things i need to list

So, this morning i woke up with not a single spark of happiness minus the comfort of my dog Pyper laying next to me. So i've decided to force my day into happiness because i want to be happier. I'm listing all the things im grateful for and that make me happy

• music
• my dear family <3
• my pets
• writing
• classic novels
• non-fiction
• my wonderful imagination
• the escapes i have in my head
• being passionate about something
• soft things
• vintage
• 80's movies
• when something or someone loves you
• feeling healthy
• unconditional love
• my mother
• my father
• philosophers
• people who can dream with me
• the way vinyl sounds when the needle hits it <3
• indie music
• smiling
• feeling alive
• the morning
• down pours
• thunder
• lightning
• the gospel
• understanding people
• cooking with Sam
• going to lunch with my mom
• my boyfriend
• people who know my vibe and who i am
• open fields
• oak trees
• sunshine
• singing birds
• small towns
• walking
• mountains
• art <3>
• poetry
• my true friends
• helping people
• sidewalk chalk
• dorky glasses
• feeling intelligent
• learning
• miniature things
• stuffed animals
• being outside
• adventure
• climbing trees
• spontaneous things
• fire (explosions)
• being able to see beauty as an individual
• ugly couples
• creativity enveloping the world
• handwritten letters
• clear skies
• snuggling
• trusting people
• being myself
• people who enjoy my venting and they can vent right back
• a good non-offensive argument
• living with your head in the clouds
• the bohemian lifestyle
• Ohio
• places with beautiful landscapes like Greece or the Netherlands
• the feeling of purity/innocence
• being comfortable enough to cry with someone you love
• the 1800's language. oh how i wish we still talked and dressed like that
• gentlemen
• Witty people
• dry humor
• being happy with who i am and embracing my flaws and gifts
• overcoming a trial
• talking to strangers
• graceful dancing (ballet/modern)
• picnics
• swings
• the inspiration my nightmares and paranoia give me
• cursive handwriting
• typewriters
• megaphones
• screaming to let out a feeling
• not caring what other people think
• doing what i want without worrying about what other people want or will think

Well i feel a little better. I'm making today a good day even though last night was heartbreaking

So i've been on the floor all day cuz i'm sick and everyone is gone so im on the internet scavenging for vintage unique crap and look what i found.... :O

A VINTAGE DRESS FROM THE 1930's....or at least it appears that way. Doesn't get more exciting than that. Too bad it's too expensive....back to scavenging...

0.o My Dreaaammmm

So, college, a good thought and a bad thought. I'm excited but I'm not excited. I'm really just sort of confused. I'm DYING to get done with highschool. I don't understand why people told me before i started highschool that it'd be one of the best things that would happen to me. Ya know, like one of the best times of my life. haha...yyeaahhh, not so much. Highschool has had some fun stuff. I've met some amazing people that have changed myself and my life for good, but there was a LOT of bad. And i don't mean to sound so pessimistic, but highschool really has just been a stress fest and i dont see how it was worth it. We just learned about Benjamin Franklin and his point of view on education. He educated himself by reading the classics and studying philosophers. Things like that! A lot of the greatest people in history educated themselves like that. I read the classics in my spare time, but if i had more time i'd be able to read them more. Books that educate me are my favorite. I love learning about philosophers and i enjoy classes like sociology but i wish they'd take it a step farther and teach us how to succeed. I will use some math in my life but to be honest i never want to go into a profession with extreme math skills and Precalc is pretty advanced skills. I think there is some rearranging that needs to be done haha but i'm grateful i had the chance to learn. All the highschool drama just seems to be drowning me. I'm lucky to have drama free friends. We'll see how college is. I hope i get some good people to room with.

Drama

I've decided to filter all of the drama out of my life :)

I feel better already!

Thai Orchid

It's yummy! GO THERE!

Stress

My life has been so stressful lately. and i'm sick of highschool. i want to grow up and be married already. i feel like adults who tell me to enjoy highschool have no idea what its like now. its constant judging and constant sorrow and stress. You're invisible to a good portion of people in the school, especially if you just moved there (hint hint ME!) its just incredible how incredibly ignorant a good portion of the teachers are now. I think the reason adults tell us to enjoy highschool is because it was so much fun for them when the world wasnt nearly the same as it is now. Highschool's definitely not fun. I just want to get out of here

Hummiliation

So........yesterday...........my sister samantha. heh. well....APPARENTLY, chic peas do NOTT come from chickens...It would've been cooler to know sooner but ya know its all good. After my mom started to eat them and i almost started barfing because i THOUGHT they came from chickens. but i was definitely not right, and stopped gagging after my sister samantha proceeded to laugh in my face and tell me that chic peas did NOT come from chickens. but they look like they're from chickens. nasty chicken eggs combined with fish eggs. I think you'll agree. that's what they look like accept they were covered in some sort of slimy goo crud which made it look like it came from a chicken. so now you understand my point