Oh health problems, you're so silly. We'll see what the catscan tells me when I go in on monday....There's been a shooting pain in the left side of my ribs lately, and my doctor told me I really should go get a catscan. I wouldn't be surprised if another disease was diagnosed my way, but let's hope for the best and find out if it's just something minor :)

Perspective

You know what I need? A good reality check on changing my perspective. I shouldn't worry about anyone else these days. I can do kind things for others, and I can be genuinely concerned for others, BUT what I need most in my life right now is to focus on being the best possible me there ever has been. I shouldn't worry about if someone I could have a potential with could fall for one of my friends, or what people think about me. My goal for the next week is to do nothing but build people up. I want to be 100% kind for the next week, and then I will make another goal the next week that will build off of this one. I am letting myself be happy again. I am not stuck in this rut anymore!

Friends & Family

In this world I've come to realize honestly how to tell the people I will mesh well with as apposed to the people I do not mesh well with, and usually it is the same type of person. Surprisingly there are a lot of people out there that fit the description perfectly, but honestly I do not know why this is the way that it usually ends up being. Usually I get along with people that truly accept people for who they are and can express how they are feeling, but with maturity and respect for the other person. I would say that is a pretty easy list to check yourself off of haha. Lately I have come to realize I just really don't mesh well with girls. I mesh awesome with my sisters, and with all my guy friends, with all my extended family, and I have a handful of friends of girls that I really am truly friends with. I was talking with my cousin Diana last night, and we were talking about this subject exactly and we clicked so well with it because someone finally understood what in the world I was talking about! Girls that know how to think like a woman, have class like a woman, have strong emotions, but can control them like a guy, and know how to work like a man as well. When it comes to boys (this is what I love most about boys) they don't hold their emotions inside, they put them all out on the table, fight it out and then they are done! haha I would love that if that's how all girls were, but unfortunately, especially at college, i discovered that is NOT how girls are at all. I'm not sure I can ever handle living with a mass of girls again :/ I can handle my sisters, but for some reason girls just don't get along with my boy way of handling my emotions (I'm a tad blunt). I don't like gossip, or drama, and I think it would strongly benefit every girl if they were to learn how to sensitively approach an irritating situation with class and kind words. It would solve a whole lot of problems. At this point I am not very sure as to what girls are actually my friends and what girls are not haha. I'm sure glad I've got my guy friends and my family though. It keeps me sane.

Eminem, you just described exactly how I feel.

Lately I've been trying to pull apart my life and reanalyze why things are happening and more specifically why they are happening to me. Recently I had my heart broken by a boy I was in a relationship for the past year and a half. I've been degraded by this boy for the past few months now, but last night was the limit. I have never felt so belittled by a person in my entire life. I was on my way over to talk to him with great intentions (I honestly just wanted to be friends, that's it, and his life is a total mess right now so I was genuinely concerned) when he refused to come out of his house, so feeling embarrassed and broken I sped off and on my way home, I spotted the church, I pulled into the parking lot and cried for a few minutes feeling lost and broken, and then I prayed. I prayed so hard and so passionately. I felt so close to my Heavenly Father. After letting a good scream out after my prayer, relieving tension building up in my heart, I sat in the silence thinking about how badly he made me hurt, and how unattractive he has become to me. It's incredible how someones personality can literally alter how attracted you are to them. Watching the change in my friends in Alpine has really taken a tole on me. Two of my really good guy friends have changed as well, but not for the worse, for the better. I came back and they've grown into men. I never thought something could happen so quickly, but oddly enough I found myself even becoming attracted to one of them because of the enormous change in perspective on life. I know I've changed as well, and although I've been degraded for changing, I know I have changed for the better. I've grown into a young woman that knows what she wants, and I know who I am. I am living a happy life, it gets better every single day, and I embrace every moment of it. I'm exactly who I want to be, and no one can change that. I am constantly growing and learning from the trials life throws my way, and I wouldn't have it any different.  Life really is a beautiful mess, and I love it so much!




P.S. I'm better off without you....screw that pal. <3

And now you've won.

Favorite Flower

I wish grocery stores had these haha. I would buy them all the time! I really love all kinds of lilies, but lately I've really loved white and yellow tiger lilies. They're gorgeous. I love the smell because after my dad died people sent tremendous amounts of flowers to our house. Most of the flowers were lilies and our house smelled like lilies for at least a month. Now the smell of lilies is one of my favorites.

This song is so amazing. The music video is okay, but it's better without.

Man I'm so sick of guys.

Cooking?...Kind of?

So last night Lauren and I went about making a big fancy meal for this boy we make meals for. We usually make it for a few of them, but we figured the other few wouldn't appreciate nearly as much as this one so we just made the meal for him. We had a pretty good start with the French onion soup and we were making Cafe Rio pulled pork and had to make enchilada sauce so we put some oil on the stove to cook, and we forgot about it haha...predictable. So pretty much it smoked out the entire apartment. Such a little thing ended up setting off the fire alarm in the entire apartment complex and everyone evacuated. Everyone figured out it was our apartment, and anyone who didn't hate us before hates us now (so pretty much our apartment is the loudest in our little area, and people yell at us all the time, so we've got a few haters). Anyway so the Fire Department shows up and of course I feel like a total idiot. They walk into our apartment and I try to make a few light hearted jokes to ease the awkward embarrassed feeling I have and of course it fails and the firemen only think I'm more of an idiot haha, but yeah, that's what last night consisted of, but other than that we started to finish cooking and the meal turned out pretty well. Dessert was the best, we made Apple Pie in an Apple and it was incredible. :)