You're just somebody that I used to know. 

So, as far as I know, these days 2012 will definitely be the year that the world ends. It'll be just fantastic. I know of at least 4 really upsetting things that have happened this year haha. It seems like trials are hitting people really hard these days. My best friends parents who have been my second family since I have been in primary are getting divorced. The dad cheated and is leaving the family. That dad has been my second dad since my dad died. I broke down crying in the car the other day because my perspective on men is even more so warped now. It makes me never want to get married. I am afraid that God might throw that trial my way because I've already been given a lot. If I have a successful temple marriage for eternity I will be certainly more than pleased. I just hope that is a very good thing for me. I am just so much more than nervous for my life to throw itself my way. I love my life, but right now I feel like I am in a dark place. The dreams I have been having scare me. Last night I had a really weird metaphorically correct dream. I was dreaming I was in the middle of the woods in a log cabin with some buddies and we were laying out on this deck and I heard some howling in the distance and rabid snarling so I told everyone we needed to go inside. We went inside and I heard something running up the stairs at the door I was about to shut. I was about to shut the door and this wolf ran to the top of the stairs and took a leap in my direction snarling and I slammed the door in it's face and struggled to keep the door shut and locked. I shut and locked it quickly, and the wolves seemed to just keep coming and coming and snarling and ramming themselves into the windows that were next to this door. If anyone has ever seen I Am Legend, it felt the same way it felt when those rabid people were running at will smith and he was struggling to keep them away. I woke up and told my mom and she said that was funny because right now in my life I'm dealing with more things than I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. I'm fighting to keep the wolves out of my life. I really feel like I am drowning in pain and anguish, but I'm literally fighting my way out. I've never fought so hard in my entire life.

Life is a "Beautiful Mess"

I went back and read some of my old blog entries. Specifically one that my friend that I'm writing to told me helped him being in the MTC. The one I wrote on about prayer. I went back and read it, and it strengthened me. So props to you "Claire with a stable life" you strengthened "Claire without a stable life" haha. I just need to remember this:

"I am living a happy life, it gets better every single day, and I embrace every moment of it. I'm exactly who I want to be, and no one can change that. I am constantly growing and learning from the trials life throws my way, and I wouldn't have it any different.  Life really is a beautiful mess, and I love it so much!"

Sleep Deprevation

I've never been so afraid of a time of day. The night, I fear it lately. Due to my disease (Hashimoto's Disease) it is not only a physical disease, it is a mental disease. I struggle with severe paranoia. Since Brandon died my paranoia has gone out the roof. I get so scared to sleep these days. I get so afraid to dream, and to wake up and deal with this another day. I don't know how to handle this.

Brandon

Oh gosh, I miss Brandon so much today. It's been a day and a half almost since he's died. I feel like I've lost my other half and that's so incredibly dramatic to say, but honestly, it was always "Claire and Brandon" I even remember getting mad at my mom one time when I was younger because it made Brandon and I sound like a married couple and I was on the prowl ya know? haha yes, we really were so tight. We weren't always like this though. Brandon has struggled with drugs his whole life and that is exactly what has distanced us. I remember Brandon and I as children we were best best friends, and once he started using drugs i noticed a difference but I didn't know what it was. I slowly started to grow feelings of resentment when I would try and look after him. I didn't want my best friend using drugs. My feelings of protection slowly grew into feelings of anger. I've always been kind of rough with Brandon because my dad isn't here to put him in his place, but this past year I have been so much kinder to him. This past year Brandon went to rehab which really took a huge tole on our family, and when he was in rehab we really opened up to each other. We would pour out our feelings of grief and despair. How Brandon would steal my things and sell them and I really didn't care because I was so happy that we were communicating again and we were telling each other we loved each other again! We would write back and forth about everything and anything. He would talk about how sorry he was all the time for hurting our family. It was truly heartbreaking. I was at college and he was at rehab. Brandon got out of rehab before my first semester of college ended so I didn't get to see him the first week he was home, but when I did get home, let me tell you. I came skipping through the door and I jumped on Brandon. It was so strange to go to "hopeless father figure" to being "best friends, and a sister" again. After that I would make sure I told him I loved him, and when I knew he was down I'd hug him and would tell him I loved him. Whenever I had concerns about boys and someone had broken my heart Brandon would threaten to break their neck and would use some choice words and that would be that. He always has a way of making people laugh in that "not so appropriate" kind of way. I'm really going to miss that. I never did have that kind of humor, and usually I can muster something up in whatever type of humor, but not with Brandon. The night before he passed I was lucky enough to tell him I loved him right before I went to bed. He told me he loved me too, and that was that. I'm truly going to miss him so dearly. I haven't fully accepted the fact that he is gone, but I will in time. The funeral on Friday is going to be harder than my father's funeral. I've never been so heartbroken in my entire life, but I can feel the prayers of people around me. I would never be able to do with without them. I especially would not be able to cope without my Heavenly Father, The Lord, and The Holy Ghost.

New Years Resolutions

-Stay Healthy all year
-Exercise 4 times a week every week unless I don't feel well
-Drink 60oz of water every day
-Eliminate at least 5 things from my bucket list this year
-Be a more positive person
-Be more Classy
-Eat Sugar once a week
-Read at least 10 books this year
-Get a job
-Finish internship