Dreaming

I had a dream about Brandon last night. It was incredible, for me at least. Long story short, he told me he faked his death and I was telling him how I had seen him in the funeral home and had touched his skin, and it was cold and hard like leather, and he told me "no, my skin has never been like that" and I touched his skin and it felt the same as always. We listened to music together and laughed together and I told him that I had missed him, and we got to spend that short amount of time together. I asked him a series of questions about his death and why he did it, and near the end someone came and was speaking with him, I couldn't see who, but i knew it was important for him to talk to with person. I had asked him if his death had been an accident or intentional, and i know he heard my question, but i don't think i was supposed to hear the answer. I woke up thinking Brandon was just sleeping down the hall again waiting for me to wake up and come talk to him. Although he wasn't there I woke up happy because I had been able to talk with my brother again, even if it was a dream.

About Today

Today was a good day, and I'm not sure why. I was just glad to be me. I think my dream last night started my day off pretty good. I had a dream I went to college again and got to see my best friend Lauren, and my friend Seth. I woke up missing college like crazy. I might go back. I've forgotten how much fun I had there, and how much I grew from that experience. Anyway, I'm glad to be me today.

Counseling

So today I forced myself to go to counseling. I had gone a week after Brandon died, but it wasn't very good. He wasn't giving me the tools I needed to cope with life, or helping me in any sort of way. This woman I went to today was 10x better than that man. She got me to tell her my entire life's struggle in a whole hour! She seems like she's really going to help. I'm excited to get better, but at the same time my paranoia gets worse everyday. Last night I was talking with the boy I'm dating in the dark and I had my eyes closed, and when I opened them to look at his face my mind had distorted it. I closed my eyes to try and make it disappear and reopened them to find myself distorting a chair in the corner into something that looked like a tall black figure. I know it sounds ridiculous when you're not the one experiencing it, but it is a real thing for me. It's probably the thing I am struggling with most right now. My brain is floating somewhere in between partially insane, and completely psychotic.

What I Want

This is mainly for myself and reminding myself now and for future reference.

What do I want right now?
 I want to feel happy. I want to get out of this depression slump. I want Brandon to be alive. I want to give him a hug and tell him I love him, and to say sorry. I want to be mentally healthy. I want to stop having thoughts about why I am alive, and what my purpose is. I want to be sure about the boy I am dating. I want to be able to live a day only having to take half the pills I take. I want to live somewhere else. I want to destroy something, and create something better. I want to run away from everyone and somehow survive on my own. I want people to stop distancing themselves from me because they don't know how to handle death. I want people to see how I can be such a great friend if they'll let me. I want to show everyone who I am. I want to be okay in time, and I want to know it'll be okay. I want to find a guy that makes me laugh everyday for the rest of my life, make sure he's my best friend, marry him, and have a family that has adventures together. I want to always be a good person. I want to help people. I want to travel, and expand my mind in all aspects. I want to read more books. I want to cross things off my bucket list more often. I really just want to live life to its fullest. I don't want to live a mediocre life. I just want to be happy, and okay with the life that I've chosen.