THIS is what i'm gonna do before college. yummy. Let's hop to it. Bring on the adrenaline

Well, at least i've still got my family, my music, my spontaneous attitude (slowly coming back), and a few very good friends. That's really all i need right?

Jeeze, this whole thing is so emotionally drowning. One of these days i'm gonna pass out and realize i've probably gotta start sleeping and eating. But i seriously just can't sleep and it makes me feel so sick to eat. I need to get my mind off of things and move forward with my life

I woke up smiling this morning :)I was staring out the window cuz i slept on the couch in the living room and the sun is shining and the sky is clear and there was this bird that flew up next to the window that made me feel good for some reason. i get to drive up to Murray by myself this morning with my music. PERFECT opportunity to enjoy my own company and think and enjoy the sunshine. It's always the little things for me that add up and help me choose happiness over sadness. Moving on with my life, that's the direction i'm going in. Things are changing, and i've decided to too, for the better.

I think today i realized how great of friends i have, but i'm no one's really best friend. I think a lot of this is due to the fact i don't live in Ohio anymore, and that i've never fully accepted living in Utah so i dont let myself get as attached to people here as i did in Ohio....Disappointing

Snowboarding today was incredible. Not only because i really enjoyed being up on the mountain, in fact the weather up there actually sucked a lot haha. Mostly, probably, because i spent time with my sister Britteny who i haven't really been spending time with lately or haven't appreciated time with. And now it all came back. I re-realized how much i love all my family and how funny she is and fun to be around. :) One simple thing that made my whole day

Talents

soooo my mother and i went to lunch today and i was kind of in a funk i guess you could call it and we were talking about highschool and how things are going to start to change with my friends and about college and i realized a lot today. I need to quit being stubborn, and i am fairly good at accepting people's advice but only when they have a solution. It's good to get criticism but only when the person has a solution along with that critical thought. and today my mother didn't so i was getting pretty frustrated but we got off that topic and we started talking about talents and all the talents i wished i had. I don't have any incredible blow you out of the water physical talents. Art is the closest thing i've got because i gave up on all the talents i wished i had. i desperately wish i could still dance. Ballet to be exact. I always had this wish to have been a ballerina....i still want to be one, but that dream is sort of down the toilet. So she started pointing out all the unseen talents that i have that apparently lots of older women still haven't mentally accomplished and it made me feel like a better person, i just sometimes wish i had one of those seen talents that everyone adores. For some reason people seem to like those talents better than the ones that will be judged in the end....and i want one :/....dang

Lately i've been doing a lot of "soul searching" i guess you could call it and I've really come to terms with myself. I actually enjoy the person that i am. it's nice to be your own best friend and to be able to enjoy your own company. Not in any sort of vain way because everyone has their insecurities but in a sense of, i'm physically alone right now and i'm enjoying this. And through my life i've noticed i find a lot of unusual things to be gorgeous and interesting. I notice the beauty in things that appear pretty..ugly..i guess. I see through my own eyes so i dont know what would be assumed to be ugly. ya know? things like, big eye brows and pale skin or albino people. Things like interestingly proportioned faces and gauged ears. I do have gauged ears for those of you that dont know. And i dont have them because it's a trend or because i want to be a part of a certain group. I have these gauges because i think they're beautiful. That's why. And i have a thing with noses....most noses are ugly to me. and if the nose is ugly the whole face is ugly. :/ unfortunately. It's just one of those irritations i have. Anyway, just a thought or two i guess.

Today

Today i realized how badly i truly want to live here. And how fun lipstick is when its not overdone

inspirational things i need to list

So, this morning i woke up with not a single spark of happiness minus the comfort of my dog Pyper laying next to me. So i've decided to force my day into happiness because i want to be happier. I'm listing all the things im grateful for and that make me happy

• music
• my dear family <3
• my pets
• writing
• classic novels
• non-fiction
• my wonderful imagination
• the escapes i have in my head
• being passionate about something
• soft things
• vintage
• 80's movies
• when something or someone loves you
• feeling healthy
• unconditional love
• my mother
• my father
• philosophers
• people who can dream with me
• the way vinyl sounds when the needle hits it <3
• indie music
• smiling
• feeling alive
• the morning
• down pours
• thunder
• lightning
• the gospel
• understanding people
• cooking with Sam
• going to lunch with my mom
• my boyfriend
• people who know my vibe and who i am
• open fields
• oak trees
• sunshine
• singing birds
• small towns
• walking
• mountains
• art <3>
• poetry
• my true friends
• helping people
• sidewalk chalk
• dorky glasses
• feeling intelligent
• learning
• miniature things
• stuffed animals
• being outside
• adventure
• climbing trees
• spontaneous things
• fire (explosions)
• being able to see beauty as an individual
• ugly couples
• creativity enveloping the world
• handwritten letters
• clear skies
• snuggling
• trusting people
• being myself
• people who enjoy my venting and they can vent right back
• a good non-offensive argument
• living with your head in the clouds
• the bohemian lifestyle
• Ohio
• places with beautiful landscapes like Greece or the Netherlands
• the feeling of purity/innocence
• being comfortable enough to cry with someone you love
• the 1800's language. oh how i wish we still talked and dressed like that
• gentlemen
• Witty people
• dry humor
• being happy with who i am and embracing my flaws and gifts
• overcoming a trial
• talking to strangers
• graceful dancing (ballet/modern)
• picnics
• swings
• the inspiration my nightmares and paranoia give me
• cursive handwriting
• typewriters
• megaphones
• screaming to let out a feeling
• not caring what other people think
• doing what i want without worrying about what other people want or will think

Well i feel a little better. I'm making today a good day even though last night was heartbreaking

So i've been on the floor all day cuz i'm sick and everyone is gone so im on the internet scavenging for vintage unique crap and look what i found.... :O

A VINTAGE DRESS FROM THE 1930's....or at least it appears that way. Doesn't get more exciting than that. Too bad it's too expensive....back to scavenging...

0.o My Dreaaammmm

So, college, a good thought and a bad thought. I'm excited but I'm not excited. I'm really just sort of confused. I'm DYING to get done with highschool. I don't understand why people told me before i started highschool that it'd be one of the best things that would happen to me. Ya know, like one of the best times of my life. haha...yyeaahhh, not so much. Highschool has had some fun stuff. I've met some amazing people that have changed myself and my life for good, but there was a LOT of bad. And i don't mean to sound so pessimistic, but highschool really has just been a stress fest and i dont see how it was worth it. We just learned about Benjamin Franklin and his point of view on education. He educated himself by reading the classics and studying philosophers. Things like that! A lot of the greatest people in history educated themselves like that. I read the classics in my spare time, but if i had more time i'd be able to read them more. Books that educate me are my favorite. I love learning about philosophers and i enjoy classes like sociology but i wish they'd take it a step farther and teach us how to succeed. I will use some math in my life but to be honest i never want to go into a profession with extreme math skills and Precalc is pretty advanced skills. I think there is some rearranging that needs to be done haha but i'm grateful i had the chance to learn. All the highschool drama just seems to be drowning me. I'm lucky to have drama free friends. We'll see how college is. I hope i get some good people to room with.

Drama

I've decided to filter all of the drama out of my life :)

I feel better already!

Thai Orchid

It's yummy! GO THERE!

Stress

My life has been so stressful lately. and i'm sick of highschool. i want to grow up and be married already. i feel like adults who tell me to enjoy highschool have no idea what its like now. its constant judging and constant sorrow and stress. You're invisible to a good portion of people in the school, especially if you just moved there (hint hint ME!) its just incredible how incredibly ignorant a good portion of the teachers are now. I think the reason adults tell us to enjoy highschool is because it was so much fun for them when the world wasnt nearly the same as it is now. Highschool's definitely not fun. I just want to get out of here

Hummiliation

So........yesterday...........my sister samantha. heh. well....APPARENTLY, chic peas do NOTT come from chickens...It would've been cooler to know sooner but ya know its all good. After my mom started to eat them and i almost started barfing because i THOUGHT they came from chickens. but i was definitely not right, and stopped gagging after my sister samantha proceeded to laugh in my face and tell me that chic peas did NOT come from chickens. but they look like they're from chickens. nasty chicken eggs combined with fish eggs. I think you'll agree. that's what they look like accept they were covered in some sort of slimy goo crud which made it look like it came from a chicken. so now you understand my point