First run of the season, 5 miles, second run of the season, 7 miles. Seriously winter can suck it. I win :)

Hashimoto's Progress

So I was blessed enough to get some more information on healing my body this week, and especially stabilizing my thyroid gland!! My brother in law Dave's sister is staying with us this week, and she just so happens to be an herbalist. Herbalism is an alternative form of medical practice, it's instead of being and MD (Medical Doctor) you're an ND (Natural Doctor.) This is the type of medical practice I would like to do someday. Laura and I got to talk about the different medical schools I could go to, to become an ND :) Anyway, she was telling me about an allergy test I could take that tells you not only what food you are allergic to but what foods you are INTOLERANT to!!! OH MY GOODNESS! For those of you that don't know how significant this is to me will soon know why! My disease, Hashimoto's disease is an endocrine based disease where your whole endocrine system is messed up and this is due to inflammation in the gut. the inflammation in the gut is caused by diet based foods. THUS!!! figuring out what foods inflame my gut will help stabilize my disease! This is just the cherry on top of all the information I have been collecting this past year. I have been receiving little pieces to my puzzle this past year and I can't help but feel overly blessed. She also told me about this herbal tea called tulsi tea. It's supposedly supposed to help even more with the healing process of the endocrine system so I'm overly excited about all this new information I've received. I'm going to take the test tomorrow, and I'll let everyone know how it goes :)

Longboarding

I went longboarding with one of my very best friends today, and it was absolutely freezing. I've been nagging her to get one for a while so I'm ever so stoked that she and I can go all the time now :) It's such a great outlet. For any of you who have ever wanted to try it, but haven't, you really should!

Vegetarianism

So I think I have some explaining to do for some of you. As you know I've been eating vegetarian for the past 2 months. It's actually going really well, and for those of you that strongly disagree with my decision I would be happy to explain to you why I have decided to do so :) First and foremost, as all of you know, or should know by now I have had all sorts of health issues my whole life, and those of you understand that finding a resolution to your symptoms is and on going life process. One of my symptoms is having a completely messed up digestive system. Since I've cut out meat from my diet my digestive system has started to heal itself. THAT IS HUGE FOR ME! Second reason is that I've never been to fond of denying the fact that I'm eating animals that are being killed in an inhumane way. I understand that animals are here to be eating, but in moderation. I have no problem enjoying a steak every once in a while. Like maybe once a year or so, but in moderation. The thing is that I can't even watch people hunt without getting emotional. I've never been too fond of dead animals, and I figured it was finally time to come to terms with the fact that my morals were a bit confused. I understand that there have been a lot of changes in my life these days, but I would really appreciate it if all of you would be supportive as I sort my life and my health out. I've made so much progress and I know it's exhausting, and I'm so grateful for all of you who support me and morph to my ever-changing lifestyle. I love all of you so much. I gain so much strength from my friends and family.

Halloween Festivities!

So as you all know (or should know about me) I am huge on the holidays. It's questionable that someone else in the whole world could be more festive than I...not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing...but REGARDLESS, I am what I am. So I've been trying to find ways to bring out my so called "holiday cheer" ;) I've been excited for this time of year since July so I can't shove my point quite enough when it comes to how excited I am for the holidays :) My mother sent me a Halloween package the other week, so now my dorm is all decorated with creepy eye lights and candle smells and hot chocolate (even though I'm sugar intolerant) That's okay, it's like my pumpkin pie theory if you've ever heard it. It's this theory I have about how I enjoy pumpkin pie (or hot chocolate in this case) just being in the room. The fact that someone is enjoying it for me is what I love. Like at christmas when people eat cookies and drink hot cocoa on Christmas Eve. It's the fact that someone is enjoying themselves, it's so contagious. But yes she sent me hot cocoa so I could enjoy others enjoying it haha. She also sent me some other cute little cheery items. Tonight my lifelong primary best friend Lauren and I made Caramel Apple Pie covered Apples, along with Reese's Pieces Caramel covered Apples. I didn't taste them, but from what I smelled they were obviously delightful. I had a blast with her melting gourmet chocolates and prepping apples. It's nice to get into the spirit of fall, especially with people that you love. We made the apples for some guy friends of ours and "ghosted" them. It's like the 12 days of Christmas where you ding dong ditch the people and leave them treats; so they don't know it was us :) SO SHH! We gave the rest of them to our roommates after a while of the longing glances over at us haha I figured they deserved some :) Anywho I thought I ought to just post a little something on the Halloween/Fall season. I'll probably post my cute fall boots sometime later this week :) Stay classy friends.

I also went to Frightmares at Lagoon with my Mom, Stepdad, Stepsister, Sister, Brother-in-Law, and my boy Colton. It was a blast with all of them. It was like a big date night for all of us adults. There was a full moon that night and there were people dressed up in costumes running around scaring people. Everything felt perfect and fall-like. I'm sure going to miss this boy. He's been a strength to me ever since my brother died in January. He's been my best friend, and he leaves for his mission January 30th so we've got some time, but I'm sure going to miss him. I'll update all of you on what I plan on doing in the near future :) 

Half-Marathon?

Uhm, I think yes :) Hey hey readers, so I've been running a lot since January 1st. January 1st (the day my brother died) was actually the first day that started all of this running nonsense. I needed someway to vent that day and running was the only thing I could think of to get out of that horrifying house. (Just for the record the house I lived in in January does not feel like that any longer. We've accomplished bringing the love and homeyness back into our house. It's a blessing) ANYWHO! I went running, and absolutely STRUGGLED through that pathetically short mile haha. I know, pathetic indeed. Since then i've run over 130 miles. I'd say that's somewhat of an accomplishment. You guys can judge for yourself, BUT since I'm a running addict right now I'll be starting a half marathon training schedule starting this monday. I couldn't be more stoked. I love running.

p.s. Watch this video.

Hey Everyone! I know I haven't updated you guys in a while. The latest update is, I went Skydiving yesterday :) Also I've spent about 2 weeks up here at BYU Idaho. It's amazing and I got to live with the best roommates! These girls are so much fun. My lifelong friend Lauren, and my brand new roommate Jovanne both came with me yesterday to go on the crazy adventure. For anyone who has ever thought about skydiving, do it ASAP! It's nice to finally be able to say I did it. I'm so ready to get completely settled in here at BYU-I. I'm hoping to apply for the European Humanities study abroad tour this week. We go to places like  London, Paris, Rome, Florence, Austria and Munich! It should be the trip of a lifetime! I plan on going on this tour with Jovanne and Lauren (the same girls I went skydiving with). I'm so glad I found people that are willing to do spontaneous things with me. Anywho, here are some of the photos from diving via the sky ;)

 
 
 

Raw Vegan

I've decided to try out Raw Veganism for at least a week. I'm on day 3 and things are going great! I have so much energy and I haven't had a headache all day today yet. We will see what happens in a couple of days. I'll update you then, but the thing with Raw Veganism is that I've heard so many amazing stories as far as people with really poor health adapting to this eating lifestyle and it curing their health problems, so I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst :) We shall see!

Come on Tuscany Place, cut me some slack so I can room with my best friend :/ I think that's what I need right now. I really want to go back to BYU Idaho, but I want to feel as though I'm in a safe place. I don't think I'm ready to risk being comfortable at this point in my life. I'm already so far out of my comfort zone. I just want to go to Idaho :/

Run Run Run

Today has started fantastic. Lately I've been challenging myself, especially with my health. I've started eating a lot of raw foods because it gives me more energy and meat makes me feel sick a lot of the time, and today I ran my first set of 6.5 miles today. Took me about an hour, but for my first set I'd say that's pretty swell. I've got blisters all over my feet, but I'm proud of myself. I'm going to start training for a half marathon and then hopefully next year I'll be able to run a full marathon. Doing hard things makes me feel like I can accomplish anything. It's amazing what you can do when you get past the mental block that everyone sets for themselves.

I can't wait to go to the beach! Soon enough :) 

Bucket List

I get to cross TWO things off my bucket list today :D :D :D

Number 9.  & number 57. will be officially crossed off today :)

9. Own a sexy motorcycle or vespa

57. Go redhead

:)

That's right people. My bucket list is actually being lessened. Now, if I could just get my mom to let me get a husky for my birthday I'll be even more stoked ;) #32!

 

Dying my hair this color Monday yo, at least a mix between these two. Oh and I bought a Stella Scooter today :) Here are pictures of the hair and the exact scooter I just bought today.

I'm slightly confused at the moment.... 0.o Usually I can read people fairly well. Not this time.

Life

"Life's too short to even care at all oh woah."

I've decided life honestly is too short to not do the things i want, or honestly to care. If I want to talk to a stranger I'm doing it. If I need to tell someone something I'm doing it without worries. I do what I want yo! Life honestly is too short to even care at all. Brandon showed me that. I've never been taught such a valuable lesson before. I'm so blessed. P.S. If you haven't noticed by now I post way too many songs. I love music more than life itself.

This song is the soundtrack to my life. It makes me cry like a baby every time i listen to it. It pertains to my life in every aspect, especially now.

Beautiful

Dreaming

I had a dream about Brandon last night. It was incredible, for me at least. Long story short, he told me he faked his death and I was telling him how I had seen him in the funeral home and had touched his skin, and it was cold and hard like leather, and he told me "no, my skin has never been like that" and I touched his skin and it felt the same as always. We listened to music together and laughed together and I told him that I had missed him, and we got to spend that short amount of time together. I asked him a series of questions about his death and why he did it, and near the end someone came and was speaking with him, I couldn't see who, but i knew it was important for him to talk to with person. I had asked him if his death had been an accident or intentional, and i know he heard my question, but i don't think i was supposed to hear the answer. I woke up thinking Brandon was just sleeping down the hall again waiting for me to wake up and come talk to him. Although he wasn't there I woke up happy because I had been able to talk with my brother again, even if it was a dream.

About Today

Today was a good day, and I'm not sure why. I was just glad to be me. I think my dream last night started my day off pretty good. I had a dream I went to college again and got to see my best friend Lauren, and my friend Seth. I woke up missing college like crazy. I might go back. I've forgotten how much fun I had there, and how much I grew from that experience. Anyway, I'm glad to be me today.

Counseling

So today I forced myself to go to counseling. I had gone a week after Brandon died, but it wasn't very good. He wasn't giving me the tools I needed to cope with life, or helping me in any sort of way. This woman I went to today was 10x better than that man. She got me to tell her my entire life's struggle in a whole hour! She seems like she's really going to help. I'm excited to get better, but at the same time my paranoia gets worse everyday. Last night I was talking with the boy I'm dating in the dark and I had my eyes closed, and when I opened them to look at his face my mind had distorted it. I closed my eyes to try and make it disappear and reopened them to find myself distorting a chair in the corner into something that looked like a tall black figure. I know it sounds ridiculous when you're not the one experiencing it, but it is a real thing for me. It's probably the thing I am struggling with most right now. My brain is floating somewhere in between partially insane, and completely psychotic.

What I Want

This is mainly for myself and reminding myself now and for future reference.

What do I want right now?
 I want to feel happy. I want to get out of this depression slump. I want Brandon to be alive. I want to give him a hug and tell him I love him, and to say sorry. I want to be mentally healthy. I want to stop having thoughts about why I am alive, and what my purpose is. I want to be sure about the boy I am dating. I want to be able to live a day only having to take half the pills I take. I want to live somewhere else. I want to destroy something, and create something better. I want to run away from everyone and somehow survive on my own. I want people to stop distancing themselves from me because they don't know how to handle death. I want people to see how I can be such a great friend if they'll let me. I want to show everyone who I am. I want to be okay in time, and I want to know it'll be okay. I want to find a guy that makes me laugh everyday for the rest of my life, make sure he's my best friend, marry him, and have a family that has adventures together. I want to always be a good person. I want to help people. I want to travel, and expand my mind in all aspects. I want to read more books. I want to cross things off my bucket list more often. I really just want to live life to its fullest. I don't want to live a mediocre life. I just want to be happy, and okay with the life that I've chosen.

Captivating

I don't know what it is about this that keeps my attention. I realize some of you won't be able to watch the whole thing due to the fact that you might lose interest, but that's the thing about beauty, it doesn't have a definition and it doesn't have to have one. This song makes me feel comfortably alive, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of who showed it to me, or the situation I'm in, maybe it's because I'm so easily exposed to emotions of all kinds right now, but I'm extremely numb to them at the same time. It's easy to get lost in your own thoughts and creativity with this song. I don't know why, but I love it. 

I just love this because it's true

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

-Rosemarie Urquico

It's funny how lately I've been noticing people being placed into my life by the hand of the Lord. I know everything happens for a reason, and I have noticed why things have happened to me in a specific order in my life. Things need to happen in order for life to go on and for me to be able to progress to where the Lord wants me to be and who he wants me to influence. I go visit my brothers grave only on the beautiful days. That is when I can handle it most. The first time I went there was this last sunday. The boy I'm dating right now was sweet enough not to let me go alone. If I could replay the moment in descriptive words for you I would, but I'll do the best I can. The sting of death is so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. You feel so numb to everything going on around you that you get to a point where you just don't care anymore. It was nice to have someone there with me to remind me not to be so numb. I remember there was snow on the ground that day and I had forgotten my shoes. I'd just come from my house but I was still in my church clothes, we both were so there was a feeling of reverence I'd say. I walked out into the snow without my shoes, and without a jacket, but it didn't feel cold, I just felt numb. It's a strange feeling to know one of your beloved family members is in the ground. Anyway, being the gentleman that he is he came out after me and put his jacket around me and made me stand on his feet so I wouldn't freeze. At first I got out of the car and was frantic because I couldn't find his grave, I was so disappointed in myself for not knowing where my own brother was buried, but it was nice to have someone there to calm me down and hold me while I cried. It was refreshing to finally get some of that bottled emotion out. I know I have my family, but it's such a different situation than it was with my dad dying. Everyone has a "somebody" now, and then....there is me......It's nice to know I have the support of my friends and family that genuinely care, and it's nice to know that the Lord is keeping me safe from anyone and anything that would make me feel otherwise. I just miss Brandon....so much...

You're just somebody that I used to know. 

So, as far as I know, these days 2012 will definitely be the year that the world ends. It'll be just fantastic. I know of at least 4 really upsetting things that have happened this year haha. It seems like trials are hitting people really hard these days. My best friends parents who have been my second family since I have been in primary are getting divorced. The dad cheated and is leaving the family. That dad has been my second dad since my dad died. I broke down crying in the car the other day because my perspective on men is even more so warped now. It makes me never want to get married. I am afraid that God might throw that trial my way because I've already been given a lot. If I have a successful temple marriage for eternity I will be certainly more than pleased. I just hope that is a very good thing for me. I am just so much more than nervous for my life to throw itself my way. I love my life, but right now I feel like I am in a dark place. The dreams I have been having scare me. Last night I had a really weird metaphorically correct dream. I was dreaming I was in the middle of the woods in a log cabin with some buddies and we were laying out on this deck and I heard some howling in the distance and rabid snarling so I told everyone we needed to go inside. We went inside and I heard something running up the stairs at the door I was about to shut. I was about to shut the door and this wolf ran to the top of the stairs and took a leap in my direction snarling and I slammed the door in it's face and struggled to keep the door shut and locked. I shut and locked it quickly, and the wolves seemed to just keep coming and coming and snarling and ramming themselves into the windows that were next to this door. If anyone has ever seen I Am Legend, it felt the same way it felt when those rabid people were running at will smith and he was struggling to keep them away. I woke up and told my mom and she said that was funny because right now in my life I'm dealing with more things than I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. I'm fighting to keep the wolves out of my life. I really feel like I am drowning in pain and anguish, but I'm literally fighting my way out. I've never fought so hard in my entire life.

Life is a "Beautiful Mess"

I went back and read some of my old blog entries. Specifically one that my friend that I'm writing to told me helped him being in the MTC. The one I wrote on about prayer. I went back and read it, and it strengthened me. So props to you "Claire with a stable life" you strengthened "Claire without a stable life" haha. I just need to remember this:

"I am living a happy life, it gets better every single day, and I embrace every moment of it. I'm exactly who I want to be, and no one can change that. I am constantly growing and learning from the trials life throws my way, and I wouldn't have it any different.  Life really is a beautiful mess, and I love it so much!"

Sleep Deprevation

I've never been so afraid of a time of day. The night, I fear it lately. Due to my disease (Hashimoto's Disease) it is not only a physical disease, it is a mental disease. I struggle with severe paranoia. Since Brandon died my paranoia has gone out the roof. I get so scared to sleep these days. I get so afraid to dream, and to wake up and deal with this another day. I don't know how to handle this.

Brandon

Oh gosh, I miss Brandon so much today. It's been a day and a half almost since he's died. I feel like I've lost my other half and that's so incredibly dramatic to say, but honestly, it was always "Claire and Brandon" I even remember getting mad at my mom one time when I was younger because it made Brandon and I sound like a married couple and I was on the prowl ya know? haha yes, we really were so tight. We weren't always like this though. Brandon has struggled with drugs his whole life and that is exactly what has distanced us. I remember Brandon and I as children we were best best friends, and once he started using drugs i noticed a difference but I didn't know what it was. I slowly started to grow feelings of resentment when I would try and look after him. I didn't want my best friend using drugs. My feelings of protection slowly grew into feelings of anger. I've always been kind of rough with Brandon because my dad isn't here to put him in his place, but this past year I have been so much kinder to him. This past year Brandon went to rehab which really took a huge tole on our family, and when he was in rehab we really opened up to each other. We would pour out our feelings of grief and despair. How Brandon would steal my things and sell them and I really didn't care because I was so happy that we were communicating again and we were telling each other we loved each other again! We would write back and forth about everything and anything. He would talk about how sorry he was all the time for hurting our family. It was truly heartbreaking. I was at college and he was at rehab. Brandon got out of rehab before my first semester of college ended so I didn't get to see him the first week he was home, but when I did get home, let me tell you. I came skipping through the door and I jumped on Brandon. It was so strange to go to "hopeless father figure" to being "best friends, and a sister" again. After that I would make sure I told him I loved him, and when I knew he was down I'd hug him and would tell him I loved him. Whenever I had concerns about boys and someone had broken my heart Brandon would threaten to break their neck and would use some choice words and that would be that. He always has a way of making people laugh in that "not so appropriate" kind of way. I'm really going to miss that. I never did have that kind of humor, and usually I can muster something up in whatever type of humor, but not with Brandon. The night before he passed I was lucky enough to tell him I loved him right before I went to bed. He told me he loved me too, and that was that. I'm truly going to miss him so dearly. I haven't fully accepted the fact that he is gone, but I will in time. The funeral on Friday is going to be harder than my father's funeral. I've never been so heartbroken in my entire life, but I can feel the prayers of people around me. I would never be able to do with without them. I especially would not be able to cope without my Heavenly Father, The Lord, and The Holy Ghost.

New Years Resolutions

-Stay Healthy all year
-Exercise 4 times a week every week unless I don't feel well
-Drink 60oz of water every day
-Eliminate at least 5 things from my bucket list this year
-Be a more positive person
-Be more Classy
-Eat Sugar once a week
-Read at least 10 books this year
-Get a job
-Finish internship

Oh health problems, you're so silly. We'll see what the catscan tells me when I go in on monday....There's been a shooting pain in the left side of my ribs lately, and my doctor told me I really should go get a catscan. I wouldn't be surprised if another disease was diagnosed my way, but let's hope for the best and find out if it's just something minor :)

Perspective

You know what I need? A good reality check on changing my perspective. I shouldn't worry about anyone else these days. I can do kind things for others, and I can be genuinely concerned for others, BUT what I need most in my life right now is to focus on being the best possible me there ever has been. I shouldn't worry about if someone I could have a potential with could fall for one of my friends, or what people think about me. My goal for the next week is to do nothing but build people up. I want to be 100% kind for the next week, and then I will make another goal the next week that will build off of this one. I am letting myself be happy again. I am not stuck in this rut anymore!

Friends & Family

In this world I've come to realize honestly how to tell the people I will mesh well with as apposed to the people I do not mesh well with, and usually it is the same type of person. Surprisingly there are a lot of people out there that fit the description perfectly, but honestly I do not know why this is the way that it usually ends up being. Usually I get along with people that truly accept people for who they are and can express how they are feeling, but with maturity and respect for the other person. I would say that is a pretty easy list to check yourself off of haha. Lately I have come to realize I just really don't mesh well with girls. I mesh awesome with my sisters, and with all my guy friends, with all my extended family, and I have a handful of friends of girls that I really am truly friends with. I was talking with my cousin Diana last night, and we were talking about this subject exactly and we clicked so well with it because someone finally understood what in the world I was talking about! Girls that know how to think like a woman, have class like a woman, have strong emotions, but can control them like a guy, and know how to work like a man as well. When it comes to boys (this is what I love most about boys) they don't hold their emotions inside, they put them all out on the table, fight it out and then they are done! haha I would love that if that's how all girls were, but unfortunately, especially at college, i discovered that is NOT how girls are at all. I'm not sure I can ever handle living with a mass of girls again :/ I can handle my sisters, but for some reason girls just don't get along with my boy way of handling my emotions (I'm a tad blunt). I don't like gossip, or drama, and I think it would strongly benefit every girl if they were to learn how to sensitively approach an irritating situation with class and kind words. It would solve a whole lot of problems. At this point I am not very sure as to what girls are actually my friends and what girls are not haha. I'm sure glad I've got my guy friends and my family though. It keeps me sane.

Eminem, you just described exactly how I feel.

Lately I've been trying to pull apart my life and reanalyze why things are happening and more specifically why they are happening to me. Recently I had my heart broken by a boy I was in a relationship for the past year and a half. I've been degraded by this boy for the past few months now, but last night was the limit. I have never felt so belittled by a person in my entire life. I was on my way over to talk to him with great intentions (I honestly just wanted to be friends, that's it, and his life is a total mess right now so I was genuinely concerned) when he refused to come out of his house, so feeling embarrassed and broken I sped off and on my way home, I spotted the church, I pulled into the parking lot and cried for a few minutes feeling lost and broken, and then I prayed. I prayed so hard and so passionately. I felt so close to my Heavenly Father. After letting a good scream out after my prayer, relieving tension building up in my heart, I sat in the silence thinking about how badly he made me hurt, and how unattractive he has become to me. It's incredible how someones personality can literally alter how attracted you are to them. Watching the change in my friends in Alpine has really taken a tole on me. Two of my really good guy friends have changed as well, but not for the worse, for the better. I came back and they've grown into men. I never thought something could happen so quickly, but oddly enough I found myself even becoming attracted to one of them because of the enormous change in perspective on life. I know I've changed as well, and although I've been degraded for changing, I know I have changed for the better. I've grown into a young woman that knows what she wants, and I know who I am. I am living a happy life, it gets better every single day, and I embrace every moment of it. I'm exactly who I want to be, and no one can change that. I am constantly growing and learning from the trials life throws my way, and I wouldn't have it any different.  Life really is a beautiful mess, and I love it so much!




P.S. I'm better off without you....screw that pal. <3

And now you've won.

Favorite Flower

I wish grocery stores had these haha. I would buy them all the time! I really love all kinds of lilies, but lately I've really loved white and yellow tiger lilies. They're gorgeous. I love the smell because after my dad died people sent tremendous amounts of flowers to our house. Most of the flowers were lilies and our house smelled like lilies for at least a month. Now the smell of lilies is one of my favorites.

This song is so amazing. The music video is okay, but it's better without.

Man I'm so sick of guys.

Cooking?...Kind of?

So last night Lauren and I went about making a big fancy meal for this boy we make meals for. We usually make it for a few of them, but we figured the other few wouldn't appreciate nearly as much as this one so we just made the meal for him. We had a pretty good start with the French onion soup and we were making Cafe Rio pulled pork and had to make enchilada sauce so we put some oil on the stove to cook, and we forgot about it haha...predictable. So pretty much it smoked out the entire apartment. Such a little thing ended up setting off the fire alarm in the entire apartment complex and everyone evacuated. Everyone figured out it was our apartment, and anyone who didn't hate us before hates us now (so pretty much our apartment is the loudest in our little area, and people yell at us all the time, so we've got a few haters). Anyway so the Fire Department shows up and of course I feel like a total idiot. They walk into our apartment and I try to make a few light hearted jokes to ease the awkward embarrassed feeling I have and of course it fails and the firemen only think I'm more of an idiot haha, but yeah, that's what last night consisted of, but other than that we started to finish cooking and the meal turned out pretty well. Dessert was the best, we made Apple Pie in an Apple and it was incredible. :)

Stuck at the airport, my mind is racing and I don't know what to think of it. I thought I was so strong. These things just take time. My mother always tells me the next one will be that much better. I just need to remember how much better I deserve than this. I deserve to be treated like a queen, and there was a lot lacking in that area. I deserve so much more.

My day started off all right, I slept in and when I woke up the first thing I thought was, I slept in waaaayyyy too long today. :/ If anyone really knows me, I am very concerned with my health and sleeping more than 9 hours every night is bad for you. It's weird keeping track of the first thoughts you have every morning. I decided against showering today and attempted to crimp my hair, turn out suckish, so i took on the fishtail braid, and guessing it'd turn out suckish, it turned out super sexy. That threw my day into an awesome start haha. Ontop of my sexy hairdo for the day, I went to lunch with my mother at Simply Sushi. I love that place. I've loved it ever since Robbie (my new step dad) showed it to our family. I'm loving the new additions to my family by the way. I have such a strong appreciation for my family and all that they do for me. It's like living with a pack of my best friends. There's alway something entertaining to talk about with us, especially my new step sister Ashley. She loves to talk about boys with me, and I love talking about boys with her. We have a tradition to prank boys that break our hearts. It's been sort of a bonding experience. I love her so much! Anyway! So after lunch we went rock climbing. OH WAIT, before I forget, before lunch we went and test drove my hopefully, soon to be new car. The Fiat 500, not the Abarth version, because it's only been presented in California, but it comes to us in hopefully February (basically this Fiat is The Sex of all cars, it's like putting turbo on the car the size of a shoe!). I know I just got my Jeep, but the reason I'm selling it is because of the awful gas mileage :/ Oh well, The Fiat always puts me in a great mood, and I needed a pick me up this morning, so my mother, so tenderly said yes to my pleads. After my mom and I laughing together and obsessing over how cute the interior of the car is together we went to lunch and went climbing at this indoor climbing place we religiously go to. It's called Momentum, and it makes me feel like a million bucks. The men in that place, just let me tell you, they are babes! And the way climbing those walls makes you feel, is indescribable. It feels so awesome when your legs are shaking and about to give out and you touch the top of the wall, and let me tell you, these walls are not small. I come out of that place feeling unstoppable every time. Lately I've been more self reliant. I've been happy with who I am, and not having to rely on someone else to give me part of my happiness. I'm a proud independent woman who loves who she is. I don't need no man! ;) Maybe in time...whatever. I've been watching very closely to the way men treat their wives lately. It's adorable. Today was overall just a really great day. I try to make everyday some sort of incredible. I mean, not just the big things that happened. It's all about the little things with me. Some of the songs that came on the radio were just absolutely heart wrenching, some of them made me so happy, but none of them made me sad for myself. I guess I'm just hyper sensitive to emotions other people put forward. I heard the song I posted at the top on the radio today and I could feel the pain in his voice. Maybe it's just me being absolutely ridiculous, but I love being able to feel the emotions being put forth that other people so precisely put forth. My life gets better and better every day.

I can't wait for the day when a boy looks at me this way. Every girl deserves a boy who will look at her this way, and my day will come soon enough. I want my husband to feel so lucky to have me, like he's marrying his best possible option. I want to marry my best friend. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be fun wife that plans trips to exciting places where we can have adventures together. I want to have a husband that embraces me at my worst and at my best. On the days when my disease get the best of me I want him to take care of me as if this was his last day with me. I want him to love me knowing that we have eternity together and that we are best friends. I want to face everyday with him and whatever challenges may lie ahead, knowing that he will always be by my side to at least tell me he loves me. I want to work through the hard times, and if we ever do live a leisurely life I want to have the heart of a humbled couple. I want to raise our children influencing them for the better. I want to have inside jokes, and make traditions. I want someone who can keep me on my toes just as much as I can keep him on his toes. I want someone who will protect me and my family. I want someone who knows me better than myself, but doesn't know what I'll do next. I want someone who vents to me and tells me all his problems so we can deal with them together. I want to know him frontwards and backwards, loving every talents and embracing every flaw. I want someone who accepts me fully, every bad habit and every unique gift. I want someone with quirks that compliment mine. I want someone with a unique sense of humor, who knows how to make me laugh. My mom says "Someday you'll find a boy you love so much he'll make your teeth sweat." I've learned to ask myself, "Does he make my teeth sweat?" And if he doesn't there's no question about it. I have a few things to do with my life before I get married, and the Lord will bring that man into my life when we are both married, but I can always remind myself what I deserve before that time comes. I love my life and every stage in it. 

The day before Thanksgiving I was feeling slightly down. I needed something to get my mind off of things. I remembered my mom had asked the photographer that did her wedding a couple months before if she needed an assistant or anything and she said yes! So I called her finally, after SOO much procrastination. I wasn't really expecting to get much out of the phone call, but it turns out she really didn't want an assistant because she is so poorly paid haha so she offered me something even better. She asked me if I wanted to intern with her. So pretty much she will teach me anything at all I want to know about photography. Anything from exposure settings, to getting models together to shoot with them to do some sort of high fashion shoot, which is kind of what I want to do potentially. She told me the best thing I should do is stop going to college and just intern my butt off with really great photographers, especially ones in New York! Sooooo haha I might be spending some time very soon in New York interning. Ideally, I'd love to go across seas and intern over in Greece, or Paris, but we will see what happens. I'm so stoked for this. I don't know if you guys understand how amazing this opportunity is. I'm so excited to get started with this. I start interning in December when I get back from college, WHICH ENDS IN TWO WEEKS!! YEAH BABY! But after school ends my next goal is to meet a couple guys :) I've got my eye on a few, so we'll see. So much potential for the future!

Right now, I feel like He is the only thing that can help me.

Watch This Video. This man has so much passion. I want to learn to form words this well into inspiring flawless sentences.

This is glorious

Yummy Yum Yum

SEXY! Joined to the list of my dreams :)

Realization

Last night i realized i had so much more mental strength than i thought i was even capable of. That wasn't me. That was something much strong. A combination of the trials I've had in my life, my dear mother, my dear father, and the Savior, and God. That's what it was. Only a small portion of that strength was me. I'm so lucky to have these people in my life

Phobias

I'll give you at least ten of mine.

#1.  Atychiphobia - Fear of failure

#2.  Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's, dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues

#3. Chiclephobia- Fear of chewing gum. (Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!)

#4. Xenophobe- Fear of the unknown or unfamiliar

#5. Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or trying to

#6. Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors

#7. Katsaridaphobia- Fear of cockroaches

#8. Lygophobia- Fear of darkness

#9. Maniaphobia - Fear of going insane

#10. Oneirophobia - Fear of sleep dreams or going to bed due to nightmares

:(

Someone take the nightmares away :(

Ohio

I'll always be an Ohio girl. This is the place i long to be <3 I love this place.

My Dreams

Lately i've felt like i haven't been pushing myself enough to do the things i truly love, or that i'm too scared i am not good enough or it's too late to chase my dreams. Lately i've really really wanted to be a Ballerina. I know it sounds super cliche and like "every little girl's dream" but it's something i really want. I desperately want to do Pointe Ballet. I'm gonna look into it. I used to do it when i lived in Ohio but then we moved and i stopped doing it. I'm gonna look into private ballet lessons. I know i have a lot of fight in me and a butt-load of passion for the things i love. I know i can push myself to the point of no return to get the things i love. I'm gonna do it. This is what i want. I need some way to express myself besides photography and art. I need a physical aspect that i love that keeps me in shape and feeling great about myself everyday even if my body is too sore to function. I need that passion and fight running again. It's such a beautiful way to live.

Familyness

Alyssa and Weston got here yesterday and so we took him out on the trampoline and brandon followed us along with my mother and i swiped out my camera and got a couple shots i kinda like :)

Today was incredible. I spent most of my day out in the sun. There are small things that could have made it better, but the sun was shining for the first time really, since November. I spent a good 4 hours at least out in the sun doing childish things like blowing bubbles and drawing with sidewalk chalk and taking pictures of the things around me. It was the best i've felt in a while. I felt like myself and like nothing could hold me back. I want that feeling every day. Since i've made the decision to actually let myself be happy i've come to my senses and have been able to choose happiness and reality at the same time. Not being overly happy and not letting myself get super sad either. It's a nice balance for me. I really do love my life

I Love This

Hold My Heart-Tenth Avenue North


How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart